


Make A Dragon Wanna Retire Man

by QuillsnPills



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I love these characters with my soul, Idk what this is but please enjoy and stay safe y’all <3, Idk when this is set but their all happy so, M/M, Quarantine Shenanigans, Rated T for excessive swearing lol, hopefully, oh boy, wlw attempts to write mlm for the first time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24398077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuillsnPills/pseuds/QuillsnPills
Summary: Britain is experiencing a heat wave while also under lockdown , Simon is Convinced he’s positively going to Die, Penny and Baz are sick of his dramatics (Although Baz is not so secretly amused at his boyfriends  melodrama) and there’s a pet tarantula named Scone, because Why NotAlso, Yes, the title is from Uptown Funk, and Yes it is indeed a pun on Simons massive fuck-off wings and devil tail
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow, all of the friendships - Relationship
Comments: 14
Kudos: 55





	Make A Dragon Wanna Retire Man

**Author's Note:**

> WOW OKAY
> 
> I’ve wanted to write more fic for a while, esp for this pairing, but I’ve been unsure and anxious to write anything for any other pairings after my dabble in Romellura
> 
> But my frustration from the heat the the worlds situation just kinda... Birthed this 
> 
> It’s might not be the best but I tried and I hope someone likes this :) 
> 
> Note- It’s likely you will find grammatical errors galore and I might accidentally switch out of first person as I’ve never written like this before, but I hope it’s at least passable lol

**Simon**

It’s official, I’m actually going to die.   
  


Well, according to Baz “I’m fine” and “I need to turn down the dramatics” but honestly screw him, the attractive prick. Me? Dramatic? Pot. Kettle. Black.   
  


It’s not my fault it’s Hot As Balls outside.

  
It’s not as if I can just take a fucking hike and drown myself in the nearest algae infested water fountain or stagnant pond. Fucking Coronavirus.   
  


Not only do I have to cope with lockdown and the country’s livelihood being put into the hands of absolute imbeciles (See Penny I can use big fancy words), but my skin now feels like it’s about to melt off my body into a heap on the floor. 

This is all how we ended up in our tiny living room, with me star-fished on the shitty carpeted floor with frozen potato smiles on my forehead and Baz and Penny sitting on the old pleather sofa actually looking like civilised human beings as we Skype with Shep and Aggie.   
  


I groan and mumble about the “stupid fucking sun” and “stupid fucking government” for about the millionth time which makes Agatha finally snap.

”Bloody hell Simon we get it, it’s hot, the governments in shambles, your going to die with your skin stuck to the floor like glue and the only one accepted to come to the funeral is Scone, WE KNOW!” Aggie complained and accompanied it with an absolutely atomic eye-roll, although her lips were starting to twitch up at the corners in amusement. 

  
“Shit guys how are you dealing with him? Do you require a relief team? You poor things should count as essential workers at this rate” Shepard chipped in with an eye roll himself, although it nowhere near matches Agathas, his mouth also ticking up slightly.

“Merlin knows” Both Baz and Penny grumble and loudly huff in unison (See! I’m not the only dramatic one here!)

“You four are all arseholes, I hope you know” I mutter “It’s not my fault It’s-“  
  


”SO FUCKING HOT WE KNOW SIMON” They all finish off simultaneously before busting up into giggles.   
  


Rude. Truly.   
  


I start to back myself up by copying them all mockingly but I’m interrupted from the love of my life, the absolute twat head he is.

”Your not the one who’s had to put up with a freezing bedroom that has the windows permanently swung open and an industrial strength fan constantly blowing freezing, dry wind everywhere” Baz says with an attempt at a sneer that now really only looks like a kitten attempting to sneeze, not that I’d tell him that.   
  


“You love me really, darling” I retort, dragging out the pet name that I know always turns him to a pile of mush.   
  


“Shush you” He mumbles back with a glare but you can see the smile creeping up his face and a blush high on his cheekbones (he fed earlier) as he then tries to hide his face.  
  


Hah, Point Simon. 

  
This then makes the other three fake very loud retches at the gush they’ve been submitted too.   
  


Really though, I do actually feel bad about how much of a pain I’ve been at the moment, I know it’s not a lot of fun for “normal people”, not that Baz and Penny are normal in the slightest, to constantly have to keep every single tiny window open and have fans blowing at max speed 24/7, but bless them they deep down do understand that it’s just a by product of the masses of potent magic that used to run through my veins. (We have no idea why I’m still so hot even when my magics been destroyed, I try not to think about it but I gives me a dangerous glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe it’ll come back) But that doesn’t mean they don’t complain.   
  


I especially feel for Baz, it’s not The easiest to deal with a below freezing bedroom and not be able to touch me for more then 5 seconds unless there is a fan blasting directly at us. Though he is very much enjoying this whole “shorts with no shirt” combo I’ve been rocking literally every day at the moment, so it’s not all bad.  
  


Seriously thank fuck I’m a bloke with no tits, they seem like hell when it’s hot. Just seeing Penny fanning herself which the nearest book in the vicinity is enough to make me want to cry and end up passing her the pint of Ben and Jerry’s I’ve been eyeing all day. (It was chocolate brownie too dammit)

I’m torn out of my guilt spiral when I hear Shep say something. 

  
“Aren’t you guys Mages though? Like surely there’s a boat load of spells for the exact purpose of cooling down?”   
  


“Well sure, but to start with the amount of energy to hold them all day for weeks on end would be staggering, secondly....” Penny began to pipe up. 

I shove the frozen smiles on my head and shake out my curls as I get off the floor in search of my baby Scone. I can tell that the conversations going to be a long one, what with Shep being enamoured with anything to do with Magik and Penny being able to waffle on about the subject for hours on end.   
  


I shuffle into myself and Baz’s room and go over to where Scones terrarium is. Scone is a Chilean Rose tarantula and is my absolute world. My therapist had suggested a pet to help with my recovery, and although the apartment came with a very strict ‘No Pets’ rule, somehow with some terrifying glaring from Penny and some thinly veiled threats sent towards the landlord from Baz, he allowed us to have one small caged pet.

While sure maybe any normal person would have gone with a hamster or a snake if they’re a little on the wild side, I ended up having a 10 hour sleepless night of going on a deep dive about tarantulas as pets and they seemed chill and cool as fuck so I thought why not.   
  


It took little convincing to get Penny onboard and Baz a little while longer, but eventually he decided, they are indeed pretty cool.

Also, her names Scone and she loves snacks and cuddle time, rather non threatening in my opinion.   
  


Rather like Baz really.   
  


Again not that I’d say so.   
  


I let her slowly crawl up my hand and take her back carefully back into the living room and sitting back on the floor with Scone climbing up my tacky skin. I always make sure I’m super safe with her, I’ve been paranoid ever since I found out she can fucking explode if handled wrong and dropped.   
  


The conversation has seemed to divert to the current state of the world and the government and I’m about to ask everyone to just have some _fun_ for a second when Agatha and Shep catch their eyes on Scone and both scream so loud Baz winces and Penny brings her ring forward in a flash.   
  


“Shit Simon warn a girl next time” Aggie says as she pushes out a relived sigh and puts a hand to her chest in a dramatic fashion. (See! Again! Not the only one!) 

Shep mutters enough curses to make a sailor blush before smiling softly at the soppy little face Penny’s put on at the sight of Scone.   
  


Honestly, sickening, the pair of them, Imagine being so oblivious, I would _never...._

We carry on the call and play way too much online Cards Against Humanity until it’s so late that you can see the sun rising for Agatha and Shep, and at that point all of our eyes are drooping and we’re all bleary eyed with stitches from laughing to hard and stomachs stuffed from takeout.   
  


Even later me and Baz flop into bed, with Scone safely in her tank, and I’m thankfully cool enough to wrap my limbs around Baz like a backpack and let my wings curl around us like a mini shelter as my tail winds up and down his leg in time with my hand rubbing his stomach to keep him warm.   
  


“I really am sorry it’s so cold love...” I say, my words slurring from fatigue “I don’t wanna be a pain”

Baz just chuckles and brings my hand to his mouth and kisses my knuckles.   
  


“Your always a Pain snow” he snarks back before going mushy again as he says “But I love you for it” 

A smile falls across my face as I fall asleep “Mmm...Love you too...” 

**Author's Note:**

> So.... Wadda guys think? 
> 
> Lmao you can really see any and all quality drop the further the fic goes bc I’m tired y’all 
> 
> I’m super anxious abt this so please be kind lol 
> 
> I hope you liked it though!!! 
> 
> Like I said I know the endings shite I wrote this on a whim and I’m so tired lol 
> 
> For real though, thank you to all essential workers and all those helping us through this shit hole of a pandemic 
> 
> Stay safe y’all!!


End file.
